I'm thinking a lot today, it's been four years since my close friend and I created our subreddit-affiliated mental health server. I've also been thinking about 7 months ago, when I lost that server to the people I thought were my friends. Crazy, I had a mishap back in January with some medications mixed with alcohol. I think about how my boyfriend at the time found out and instead of being empathetic and caring, he just yelled at me on the phone for several hours. I didn't want to die, but that didn't matter. Despite wanting more than anything to learn from the experience and look inward after the incident, my now ex-boyfriend took it upon himself to place blame on my friends for what happened. My friends, I don't know why, took what he said at face value, as though I had said it. Part of what I went through was recognizing from the beginning that I was the one at fault for what happened to me. I stepped down from the position of ownership of the server, I left the community, and it's part of the past now. But I still think sometimes, why did this have to happen? Why was my voice taken from me?

I've let it go, but my voice feels stifled. Any time I've ever tried to give myself justice has been futile, and I only want my voice to be heard. I think about the abuse my ex put me through and sometimes I think that maybe I deserved it, or maybe I did something to make it happen. I don't understand why I'm still gaslighting myself, when I know the truth, when I've written it down and shared it with everyone over and over. He wasn't my mouthpiece, he cannot speak my mind, so why did my friends take what he said as though I had said it? That is the question I ask myself often.

I left everyone and everything behind, and I'm okay. I've been okay. I still have the hurtful words running circles in my head, not just from my abusive ex, but the people I thought were my friends. I still think about the vitriol they spewed at me, I suppose in an effort to get me to change. I've always been very self-aware, I've always looked inward and reflected upon myself and my actions. Even though my own boyfriend at the time screamed the words of my ex best friend at me--that I "have no ability to self reflect"--I cannot internalize it, I cannot internalize the vitriol. I know I'm good, I know that I'm capable, I know that I am who I am today in a good way.

I still feel broken at times knowing that everyone I once knew is not who I thought they were, and still grasping at anything to remind myself I'm not what they told me I am. It has taken months to get to this moment. This moment where I spoke to my therapist this morning, and I told her I feel fine, I feel normal. I feel okay. Everything is coming back around and I feel alright. The frailty of my independence has blossomed into a confident, outgoing woman. I am not what they told me I am, I am who I have become, and who I once was, and who I will be. I don't let anyone's words hurt me now. I live in this world small but mighty, and I breathe only for myself.

I'm better now than before, and I keep climbing. Despite what has happened to me, despite what I've been through, despite being beaten by his words, I'm still here, and he can't take me from me. I am a person outside of what I went through. I am succeeding, and I am thriving. He can't take that away from me, and he can't take me away from me.