I haven't written in a long time, let alone updated my website or anything like that either. I've had a lot going on in my life and I've had a hard time dealing with it. Mostly due to being stalked and harassed on the internet by various different people. It makes it very difficult for me to express myself, move about, and socialize on the internet. I made this website as my own safe haven and it's already kind of become, like, a breeding ground for the people who dislike me the most to congregate and check on me. I find it weird and bizarre.

I am going to be 30 in a couple of weeks. I still feel young, I am young, but I also feel that I have lived enough to know what I am doing. Although, I don't believe that I'll always know what I am doing. That's the beauty of being alive. Something that I've learned over the past couple of months is that, not everybody knows me, and that's ok. They don't know who I am, what I've been through, and the life I have lived, and that is ok. I don't need everyone to know my story, nor do I need everybody to know my personal business. I'm happy to keep parts of me guarded and private, and I think with age, I've come to accept this. When I was younger, I had a habit of oversharing to the point of socially isolating myself. Who the hell wants to talk to the girl who trauma dumps every time she talks to you? Like, I used to trauma dump to my freaking coworkers. This was nearly a decade ago now, so I've learned, but still, it was a massive lesson to learn. And thank God that I did, as I've started to become comfortable within myself.

Last week, something happened that has never happened in my entire 30 years of life: a tornadic touchdown within the city limits of St Louis. It decimated the northside, and it's absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so lucky, so grateful that we weren't affected as badly down here on the southside. My home was safe, my pets ok, everyone I know living and breathing. Unfortunately, the northside is in ruins, and I learned something: brick is not as sturdy as I thought. In fact, the wind can pick up a brick like a feather and hoist it miles up in the air. I work at a nonprofit that specializes in community development, and we are going to head up to the northside to volunteer on Friday. I'm extremely excited to get on the ground and help folks rebuild and put the pieces back together. The response to this disaster has been phenomenal; the community, organizations, and the city government itself have been hitting the pavement since hours after the tornado hit, and it's been extremely heartwarming to see.

I have not been well recently, things have been really difficult. I wish I could fade into nonexistence, especially considering the amount of people who would seem to rejoice upon hearing that I've passed. My therapist has been making me check in with her more often than usual because I've been isolating and very despondent. Everything hurts, and I hate being misunderstood. But as I stated earlier in this entry, not everybody needs to know my life story, people don't have to know every detail about what I've been through in my life. All I can do is keep being the person I believe that I am: a warm and kind individual with only love to give to the world. Nothing else matters. I want to live here and so I will, for so much of my life I've minimized myself and forced myself to be something or someone that I am not. I deserve to be here as the person that I am, and nothing less.