Holy shit dude. I was outside all day today and rocking the world tbh. I volunteered like I said I would. I am so exhausted and my back is killing me. I forget I have chronic pain and previous back injuries that make my back give out if I overdo it. It hurts so freaking much. I am in so much pain. I always overdo it because I just love this sort of work ;_; I broke a bunch of nails and had one that was lifted from the nailbed. I was in a rush this morning so didn't clip my nails the way I had planned. So much regret. Fingertips sore, hands aching, skin irradiated and scummy, feet hurtie, back out of commission, mind buzzing, eyelids heavy. ALL of that and more but I'm getting carried away with this ;w;

Anyway so volunteering was quite exciting. I forgot how much I love this sort of direct service work. It's exhausting but so rewarding. I used to manage a food pantry fully on my own, I was a freaking pro at that shit. Two years of doing that work and breaking my back twice on the job made me quit tho. I miss the work so much, and volunteering today reignited that love for me. I'm going again in the morning, but I will take it much easier tomorrow. But yeah, so today I put all of my skills to use. At first I started out doing intake and determining what each car coming through the line needed. As I got the hang of that, I started filling people's cars with supplies. Then as needs shifted, I started leading inside the planning office and facilitating the management of the space available, cleaning up, consolidation of materials, supplies, and the space, and generally just giving people tasks to do. It was amazing falling right back into that vibe - the confidence I have in managing like that and the demeanor I give, despite my petite stature, I know how to command a space, and people feel at ease trusting me. Just like flexing a muscle, I picked up where I left off, and I'm just so proud. I'm tired, but I won today.

Meeting so many different people, both the folks we served and the folks I worked alongside, was so so heartwarming. I, just, like, it's just so nice. I met so many, SO many people today. There were an endless stream of volunteers showing up, sometimes we were so well-covered and so efficient that there were moments where we just stood there waiting for someting to happen! 40 pizzas from Imo's were delivered and we decimated them like nobody's business. I couldn't believe how quickly we got through it all! What a reward that was. I loved getting to know all of the people I worked with. And I loved seeing the flicker of hope in folkses eyes when I spoke to them, and when I gave them the things they needed. You could read the pain on their faces, but when you spoke to them, it's like a glimmer of joy had sparked something deep inside. And that's the warmth, the sort of fire that I seek to ignite in the hearts of the folks we serve. I never get tired of serving my beautiful, hurting little city. Every moment we spend spreading joy, love, compassion, and reparations is a moment well spent, because we're building community - we're showing our neighbors how much we care. We care so much that everyone's doing what they can.

One moment particularly stood out to me today, though it gave us a little bit of a laugh. We were receiving donations all throughout the day, by the truckloads, by the carloads, on a revolving basis - always having to shift everything in the office to make space, keep it safe, and keep it navigable. We had someone come on foot, and all they had was a small little box of alcohol pads. We all giggled about it, but recognized, anyway, that whatever anybody has to give is more than enough. What we're giving here isn't solely supplies and materials, but also that hope and the familiar return of warmth (the kind where you're basking in the sunlight after a warm rainshower at sunset).

Today I almost forgot what it felt like to be heartbroken. But the universe didn't want that. When I got home from volunteering, I just sat in my car and cried. Then while searching for the photos to add to this entry, I came across photos of someone I didn't want to see. I burst out crying and my heart just broke a thousand times over again. I miss him so much. I do have moments where things aren't hurting anymore, but then I remember that he's gone, and I just feel so empty. I hate that I have no place to put this love for him.

Note: the photos attached here are my own from the summer of 2020, shot on a Canon A-1 on expired Kodak Gold during a short liquid sunshower. Copyright mine, do not take or use without my express permission.