Content Warning: this blog post discusses my suicidal ideations in depth. This is content I don't recommend minors engage with.

I deactivated my discord account. I am quitting. I took my SIM card out of my phone. I feel so alone, and I want it to stay this way. I don't want to be bothered. My therapist told me I can't shut my mom out, though, so I told her what's going on. I didn't really want to, but when you tell your therapist you're actively suicidal, you have to do what she tells you.

These thoughts of suicide are some of the most pervasive I've ever had to deal with. I can't stop thinking about the easiest and most painless ways to die. I'm also considering the methods that are painful, the ones that get the job done. I'm so tired of being here. I'm so tired of everything.

I cry every time I speak to my therapist these days. I told her how tired I am of thinking about him all the time, and how there's no escape. I have to accept that he is gone and never coming back. I don't want to. I know I'll still love him anyway. I don't want to let go, but he already has. And my therapist said that I don't get a say in any of it, and she's right. It was taken from me with no warning, no effort, no care, thrown upon me and I didn't nor don't I get a say in any of it. It wasn't a discussion, he took my heart after telling me I could trust him with it and he fucking stomped on it. I was so clear with him about what I wanted and what I was looking for, then he accepted this and took my heart, and then he still fucked off, betrayed me anyway. I've said it over and over that I can't do this anymore, and I can't. I won't. I will die a lonely death, of heartbreak, with my heart guarded and closed to everyone, because I can't do it anymore, and the only one I want doesn't want me, or anything to do with me. The voices of the people who want nothing but to hurt me are the only voices I can hear, and nothing that he told me remains. I don't believe a word that he told me in the time we were together, and now I don't know what to do with all of this displaced love. I'll never make the mistake of opening up again. I will never give my heart to another. You will have to pry it out of my hands, and that's if you've got the key to the lock. He's not coming back, he's not coming back, he doesn't want anything to do with you. He doesn't want anything to do with you.

We had so many plans that we made together. We spoke about our future, what it would look like. Now I have nothing, I don't have him, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing that makes waking up worth it anymore. I'm tired, I am just so fucking tired. I'm tired of the silence, but I'm tired of my friends, I'm tired of everyone. I don't feel like continuing. I am so ready for death and it's not a joke, nor a threat; I'm giving advance notice. The only person I want is him, the only person I want to speak to is him. Everyone and everything else can simply fuck off, I can't bring any strength to pretend anymore. And he doesn't care, so no, I won't hear from him. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want anything to do with me, he wants to forget me, just like everyone does. I'm not here to live for someone else, but my heartbreak is too much to bear. He'll live a fulfilling and happy life. When I am dead maybe then somebody will miss me. Maybe he will. Maybe he will think of me again one day. It won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow. I am and always will be a memory to be forgotten. Maybe I don't want to be remembered by anybody. It's better if I die. Nothing can save me anymore. I will do everything in my power to stop my life from continuing, because I can't handle it anymore. I can't do this shit anymore. I am tired, I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. Tired of every thought being plagued by him. I would rather all of my friends get a chance to read my obituary and attend my funeral. That's all I want at this point. I will not accept the bullshit that people spew when they try to save a life. Just don't, because I've made my decision. I can't take this heartache and I can't stand another day in this pain, despite forcing myself to cope every damn day. Look out for my obit, because it is coming.

I wrote all of the above while I was at work today. I hate it that my coworkers can see I'm not okay and they hug me and console me. I don't want anyone to know I'm not okay even though it's obvious. It's all wrong, the one person I want to care, just doesn't. And everybody else does, and I don't feel anything. It doesn't make me feel anything. I went to get my hair permed again after work. I don't know what it is about today, but I've been a crying mess. God, I cried when I spoke to my therapist, as I always do, have cried when just telling people I'm not okay, cried as soon as I started telling my hair stylist what's wrong. She told me that my mom had told her that she met him, and that she liked him, and it broke me. It was all so sweet and good, and now it's fucking nothing. Nothing is there. My heart is fucking empty. I cried so much when talking to my hair stylist today. Like, an embarassing amount of crying happened. I'm lucky I was there by myself and that I could tell her what's wrong. I got to the point where I did confide in her about wanting to die, and that my therapist said I have to tell my mom, and all this other stuff, and I still feel so empty.

Driving home was a fun distraction, but as soon as I park the car the pain sets in again. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired. She told me I should be angry. I am angry. I am angry that I love people who don't want to love me, who give up as soon as shit gets complicated, I'm angry that I'm made to feel like I'm the problem every fucking time somebody leaves. I did everything right this time, I was careful, I was calculated, I did everything I did with thought out intention. I'm still a human being, I'm fucking flawed, I make mistakes. If you don't give me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, then you don't get to judge me for fucking making them. I wish you had communicated to me that I wasn't meeting your needs, that I was doing things that hurt you, that I was inattentive. Who the fuck do you think I am? You know I am good, and now I'm doubting I'm good in any capacity. Think about the things you did not say, and do not blame me for your inability to speak them. I'm angry that speaking to your friends was more important than having a conversation with me. I'm angry that I've lost my best fucking friend, I'm angry that my best friend's opinion of me was so easily swayed. Making me out to be something I am not, and it sickens me. Forgetting who I am because the person I thought I was dwelled in the thoughts and memories and feelings of the people I thought I knew, the people I loved, the people I thought mattered.

My life is a never-ending tumult. I'm fucking tired. I'm just fucking tired. No more. No more opening up. No more letting anybody in, no more, no more, no more, no more, no fucking more, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm fucking lost and it hurts. I'm fucking lost. I'm hurting and I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired and I can't do it anymore. I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't. I fucking can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay away. Just stay the fuck away. Nobody can come close to me. Ever. I'll die alone out of heartache. Nobody. no one. Fucking leave me alone. Let me die in fucking peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!