My bestie came to visit me on Wednesday. I haven't seen her in person since 2020 or 2021, I can't remember which year it was. All of my online friends are worried about me and saw my suicide-posting on here and Cristine decided to come and show up to make sure I'm okay. I'm not okay, but at least people care about me. I've been friends with her for about 15 or 16 years now, we met in high school. Things are very different now that we are adults, but it was quite refreshing being able to talk to somebody who I've known for so long and someone I can let down my guard around. It was nice being able to talk about what I've been going through face to face with somebody who cares. It was a rewarding and comforting experience. I hope that she will come visit again soon because I don't have a lot going on irl and I'm extremely lonely.

I wrote this on tumblr, so I'll write it here too: isolating is so easy to do when you know that the person you want to hear from won't be trying to reach out to you anyway. I still cry every fucking day and I'm tired. Every last thought is about him, tainted by him, I legitimately cannot escape the immense love and care I have for Nate and it's fucking destroying me. All I can think about is the way that he went to my best friend to talk about his issues he had with me rather than speaking directly to me. It makes me feel so angry to have been betrayed in that way. I deserve to know that I've messed up and I deserve to hear it directly from the person that I hurt, especially because the relationship we had wasn't fucked, it was healthy, even despite the fact that the two of us struggle with mental health conditions. There was nothing but love between us and I feel so fucking betrayed to have the door slammed in my face like this.

Cristine and I talked about anger, we talked a lot about how I need to feel this anger, because I'm righteously allowed to be angry and hurt over everything. Even despite it all, I love Nate more than anything and that will never change. I'm tired of caring because I don't even know if he cares about me, or thinks about me, or anything like that. And I hate that we couldn't have had a conversation before he threw everything out the window. I hate it so much. Cristine said 'he went from 0 to 100 real quick' (just like the lyrics, ofc). There were so many ways that things could have gone, and he chose to burn everything to the ground. I'm still here, selfishly waiting for him to turn around and come back. I know he won't, but I'll always be here waiting, whether passive or active, cos I just can't forget my love for him. Instead of having a conversation with me about the grievances he had, his VALID grievances, his frustrations with me and my behaviors, instead of telling me he was considering breaking up with me over the mistakes I had made, he made the choice for both of us instead of just fucking speaking to me. and it just makes me feel so fucking angry and hurt. Even if things would have still ended up with us breaking up, at least a decent conversation and an attempt to resolve things could have happened, and none of that did.

That is simply the part that I cannot let go of, and that I am stuck on. Not everything is about me, but when you tell me I messed up and you won't even give me the opportunity to do better and learn from what I've done, it IS about me. But at the end of the day, you are the one who threw everything away, you are the one who told me you loved me when I wasn't even ready for that; you are the one who bought me a diamond and left it at home when you came to visit; you are the one who wasted my time even though you said you wouldn't; you are the one whom I confided in about my life goals, my life dreams, and the ones which you cosigned and agreed that you'd love to fulfill with me. Then you fucking ripped it all out from under me because throwing it all away was easier for you to do than to have a goddamn conversation with me to sort through our differences. You even called our discussion a fucking argument, a fight, to people outside of our relationship. We weren't fighting, we weren't arguing - yes, we disagreed, yes, we didn't see eye to eye, that doesn't mean that we were arguing. And now the people you trusted - instead of me - think that I'm some sort of abusive monster. My own best friend betrayed me and turned his back on me because of the shit you told him. I can't get it out of my head. I'm not evil, you fucking know this, all of you know who I am, and you've made me out to be something that I simply am not. And you know this. You know who I am, but you still threw me under the bus.

It's been two months as of today. I'm hurting so much. I still can't accept that you're gone and I don't want you to be gone. You betrayed me and I'm still here waiting for you because I'll always love you. Twice now you've made choices for me based on how you decided that I must feel, instead of speaking to me and having a conversation first. I could have kept you in my life but you wanted nothing more than to push me down and away, so far from you that I don't even recognize you anymore. Are you proud? Are you happy? Now that you got what you wanted? I'm sure you've met somebody else by now, that's how it always goes. I'm not worth remembering nor am I worth the effort, apparently. We spent every fucking day on the phone, for hours, and I really thought what we had was real. I really thought that we were going to last. I trusted you after I told you that I was scared to trust someone again. I gave you my entire heart after I told you that I never wanted to do so again. You made me feel safe, and then you took everything away from me, like you had always planned on hurting me this way.

It feels like shit knowing that I don't mean fucking anything to you, considering this is how you've decided to treat me. What even am I to you if this is how you treat the person you said you loved? I'd have crawled my way up a mountain if you had asked me to, because I wanted to be by your side, comfort you, support you, treat you, spoil you, love you, listen to you, hear your voice, hold your hand, cup your face in my hands, kiss your cheek. It means nothing to you, and it sickens me the way you've betrayed me and thrown me away. How do I love somebody who has thrown me away after all the goodness we had between the two of us? Didn't it mean anything to you? Didn't I mean fucking anything to you?

As a distraction, my mom and I will be going to the botanical garden tomorrow, at least if it isn't raining anyway. Then the farmer's market. I'm only doing this because I've been forced to stop isolating by the people in my life. It's summer, so at least the sights will be beautiful. Being able to ambulate for longer than 5 minutes makes me nervous, though, since I barely eat anymore. I haven't been to the grocery store in 2 months. I accidentally bought too much food for delivery from a restaurant the other day and now I'll probably be fed for at least a week, two weeks maybe. I'm wearing all the dresses that I bought to wear for you, because I guess I'll never see you again, nor will I speak to you again. I suppose that makes you happy. I suppose you are better off without my evil, disgusting presence in your life. The evil, disgusting version of me that your friends and my ex best friend portray me as. I trusted you, I thought you knew me, I thought you believed me, I thought you saw me for who I am, but I guess not. To have your opinion so easily swayed by people outside of our relationship - it just hurts so much. We could have conquered the world together if you'd have just reached for my hand and held it. I would love you always, no matter what; i told you my love for you would never change. I love you as you are, as you will be, as you have been, and everything in between that is unknown and already known. It's not enough to you to recognize that somebody would accept you and all of your endless flaws and imperfections, I suppose. Even despite everything. This is the reality that you want, this one where you pretend I don't exist, this one where you act like we didn't have something beautiful.

So go ahead and keep doing your best to make sure that I'm portrayed as something, as somebody, that I am not. Go ahead and continue not to defend my character, because it's easier for you to say that I'm a bad girlfriend or that I fucked up than it is for you to admit that you threw everything away on a whim at the behest of your fucking friends instead of having a goddamn conversation with your girlfriend!!!!!!! You've left me here, on the fucking floor, in a puddle of tears, looking at the pieces of my broken heart, attempting to do anything I can to make sense of what you've done. Who fucking cares if I'm willing to do better by the man I love when it's more appealing to him to give up and act like our time together meant fucking nothing?

You won't even speak to people who would stand up for me and defend my character, and I know you've done this on purpose. Because you don't want to hear that you fucked up, that you're the one who made a massive mistake. You don't want to hear that you hurt me, that you threw something away that was so precious, something that was beautiful, something that could have continued to bloom and grow, if you'd have just trusted me and trusted the process. If this is how you want things to be, then so fucking be it. I don't have any hope nor do I have any optimism. You're gone because that's what you want. You're gone because it's easier for you to throw me away than it is to have a conversation. You're gone because you probably never cared about me nor loved me in the first place. You're the one who called me your girlfriend when we were on the phone during the wildfires. When I was screaming at you and your family to get the fuck out of your house. You're the one who told me you loved me way early on, and I told you to be careful with those words.

You're the one who told me I wasn't supportive enough of you - then what the fuck was everything I did for you and every way I showed up for you in the time that we were together? What about my own discomforts that I sset aside because I wanted to grow with you? And, does my own shared trauma with you mean nothing to you? Does the fact that I helplessly stood next to you and listened to you and your family suffering through the burning of your hometown mean nothing to you? I was devastated watching you lose everything - I begged you to let me come and be by yours and your family's side to support you and your community. I wanted to support you both with my words and with my actions. I wanted nothing more than to show you how loved and cared for you are, because my heart was breaking right next to yours when the fires started. Did it mean nothing to you? It clearly didn't, if it's so easy for you to say I didn't support you, comfort you, care for you enough. And your stupid fucking friends, including my now ex best friend, all they could fixate on is my completely benign and unintentional, yet incredibly hurtful, harmful mistakes I made. Compared to everything else that I had with you, is that all that is worth remembering? The way that I put my foot in my mouth and fucked up majorly during your crisis? Have you ever even stopped to think about how I'm not a trained crisis professional? That I am human, completely fallible, and capable of making mistakes? That I've done everything I could to support you and be by your side even in the darkest moments where I didn't know what to do nor how to show up for you? When somebody is as unwell as you are, the people around you start feeling helpless. Not knowing anymore what they can do to help you, hating seeing you hurting and knowing there's little they can do. And that's a valid feeling for me to have had. Of course I handled it poorly, of course I caused harm by fucking up in the way that I did. In no universe, though, is it valid or okay to allow your friends and the people in your life to paint me black, like this toxic fucking monster that I never was. And it's so fucking unfair that you don't give a fuck about it, that you'd rather let people diminish me and my kindhearted nature in favor of not taking accountability for your own shortcomings.

Are you proud? That your friends and the people that encouraged you to throw me away have succeeded at making me feel like all I'm seen for and all I'm recognized or known for is my mistakes. Not a single moment we spent together meant anything to you, clearly, if this is the outcome, if you can't even stand up for me in any capacity. I loved you and will continue to love you until the end of time, and that won't change. Despite the fact that you've shoved me out of your life, built a wall, and befriended the people who spew vitriol about me. It's easier for you to do that, anyway, than it is to have a goddamn conversation to remedy the issues you had with me. Regardless of the fact that you need to focus on yourself - which I 100% support and am proud of you for doing. But you can't hide behind the facade of "I want to better myself" when you cut contact with me, bombed our relationship, and threw away your love for me without even so much as a conversation. Now you've left me with all these words and all this pain. It must give you some sort of sick satisfaction to see me suffering. Or, well, not see me, because I don't think you think about me, and I don't think you check on me in any capacity.

I'll always love you, and it angers me that you don't want me to. It won't change, but I know that you want it to.