6/14 7:12pm. I keep trying to eat my dinner but I can't make a bite without bursting out crying. I'm tired

6/15 7:15pm. I had a busy weekend and I'm still definitely not okay. I'm still extremely suicidal even despite keeping myself busy and distracted. I am having the intuition, gut feeling, hunch or whatever that I always get when somehow I just know that the person I love already loves somebody else. My intuition has never been wrong and it makes me feel sick. I can't stop crying and I'm tired. I'm just really tired. I'm so, so tired of only being a story to the people that I love. I'm nothing but the past. I just don't think I'm the kind of person who is cut out for relationships. I have been thinking a lot recently, and I think I'm just not built for romance. Or, the love and the relationship I am looking for just seemingly cannot exist. No matter what I do, I always end up losing the person I love so deeply. It's cruel and unusual to force me into this routine of losing such precious people. I'm tired. I know Nate won't speak to me again and I still keep hoping like maybe he'll realize how he fucked up and come home and I know it's not going to happen that doesn't happen but because my fucking birthday is on Tuesday my optimism simply exists. I hate it so fucking much. I can't wait to get past my birthday. I'm considering changing my phone number because I'm terrified of putting my SIM card back in. The terror of knowing that the person I want does not want me, does not miss me, does not yearn and hurt the way that I am yearning and hurting. I don't care that people love me and miss me. I don't care that my friends want me around. I know that sounds bad, but it's just how I feel right now. I don't want anybody. Fuck. I only want Nate and I'm tired. If it's not his love and his care then I just don't care. Nothing can fill this gaping hole in my heart except for him. I am completely deluded. Loving him is pointless, and everything is gone.

It wouldn't faze me even to know that all of my friends miss me. It just doesn't. They all keep saying the same things and I'm too fucking heartbroken to want anything else. I'm so goddamn tired. I'm so exhausted from the constant crying. oh my god dude. fuck. No, I just can't fucking do this anymore. I can't. I can't keep waking up every FUCKING DAY and having Nate rattle around in my fucking brain constantly. I'm so fucking tired. This is why I want to die. I can't cope with this anymore. I'm so fucking tired of wanting someone who wants nothing to do with me!!! I'm so tired of being so easily thrown away by the ppl who told me they loved me. What is wrong with me?

I can't even talk about anything other than how heartbroken I am. never mind the fact that I actually did stuff this weekend. I don't want to talk about it though. I wish the one fucking person I want to care cared and I just. I'm so fucking. I just. I want to die. I want to kms on my birthday. That has been like my plan the past few weeks and I'm still figuring out what I want to do but I think it's going to happen because I can't FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!! I FUCKING!! Can't!! And I have to be so clear.... maybe it's not obvious, but I'm sick of being heartbroken, it's not simply about losing the person I love. At the end of the day I'm fucking alone and it's just going to stay that way. It's the unbearable pain that comes from having to deal with the suffering of heartbreak on a cyclical basis. I'm absolutely exhausted from opening up to people and continually having everything crumble. No matter how measured I am about being the best that I can be, I still manage to end up with fucking nothing left. I'm so exhausted, if this is what is going to keep happening for the rest of my life, I legitimately do not want to live through it anymore. I'm exhausted.

I'm glad I got some good moments with my loved ones who mattered. But you guys just cannot convince me that life is worth living after this much endless suffering. I am allowed to accept my own futility at enduring the suffering that life offers. Camus loved to speak about how life is worth living because there is sunlight in between the suffering. But what if that sunlight isn't enough? What if that sunlight never stays, no matter what you do? Why is it a commodity for me to own a slice of sunlight? Why does my suffering look like this? Why can't I also have love, cherish it, and keep it? Why am I ever not enough for the people whom I love? Why is it that time after time, I lose everything? I'm so tired.

I really really just so badly cannot handle this anymore. I'm writing all of this as certain as I am, and it makes me feel sad for the people who I will leave behind. I don't think I could spell it out any more clearly, that I can't endure this anymore. Maybe these disabilities and disorders were always meant to kill me, you know? Like, that's just what happens. Everyone's stories end differently. I'm just not the kind of person who can pretend that this is worth it anymore. I'm not the kind of person who can keep smiling at people and pretending that I'm fine when I'm just not. I'm tired of the injury, the wound, whatever. He left and he's never coming back, why can't you just get that in your fucking head dude??? like why isn't it something you can simply accept neutrally without it being world-ending? why did you let yourself love him? why did you do this to yourself?? why did you trust him?? why did you think he'd stick around? why did you think this love was something you'd never had or felt before? why are you so fucking deluded??? why?!!?!?!? fuck. fuck!!!!!!!!!! why did you believe him when he told you he loved you!! why did you believe a word he said. why did you open up to him. why did you think that you could actually have a LIFE with him??? why did you think you guys had something special!!!! it wasn't....it wasn't...there's nothing left... there's nothing. it's not special anymore. nothing was special. fuck. forget him. why can't you just forget him the way he has forgotten you? you stupid fucking idiot. you stupid fucking idiot. he wants nothing to do with you. he's never coming back. like they always do. they all always end up leaving anyway. they always slam the door in your face. they always tell you it's your fault. they always blame you. you're not worth anybody's effort. you're not important. you're just something to throw away. cos that's what everybody fuckin does. stay away from me. everybody stay the fuck away. i swear to god i can't do this anymore