i think you've been waiting patiently for a new post. if you think that i've been ok, you are very wrong. i'm not going to get into it on my public blog. happy 1 year to my website as of today.

i went kayaking with my best friend on saturday and i avoided getting burnt. i enjoyed myself and i ate a lot of food. she showed me kpop demon hunters, that movie that just came out and is rocking culture rn. it's interesting to watch something succeeding in real time.

"i'm done hiding, now i'm shining, like i'm born to be" ♫~

i dont cry anymore, but i'm still hurting. i hate being left behind. i hate whatever this is. i hate that this is my reality. i hate being forgotten.

if i talk about what i've been through, will he care? will he hear? no, but i won't share, anyway. i want to believe that my presence is missed by the people i've left behind, but it makes me want to run further away. i don't care about anything anymore. it scares me how easy it is for people to leave me behind. it scares me that i don't mean anything to the people i wish i meant something to. learning how to navigate the betrayal of your best friend and of your boyfriend at the same time, but why?

i just don't have any words right now, otherwise i'd write more. i have 1 dedicated audience member and i don't know who they are. and it's not the person i want it to be, and it makes me feel sick how easy it was for him to throw me away just like everybody fucking else.

my friends don't want me to die so they've spent a lot of time with me recently. some of my friends did think i was dead. it baffles me that the lack of my presence can cause that sort of fear for people. i mean, just being so detached, i'm not going to pretend i haven't been depressed. they asked me, and i answered "i lost my will to live". how do you keep going when your heart is fully shattered? why am i here, alone with my heartbreak? why can't the love of my life love me back?

so many times that i've been in a relationship, that i had feelings for somebody, but never did it feel this way, and it hurts so much to have it taken from me at the behest of my own best friend. how could you understand what it meant to me when you never asked?

you don't know what i've been through in life, what got me here, so naturally it was easier for you to encourage an implosion rather than peace. when i say i love nate, it comes from somewhere deep within my soul. this was precious to me, on a scale i had never felt before, in a way that words cannot convey, simply emotion and the way that the body moves in response.

i miss my best friend. i miss my boyfriend. am i left behind the way that i left people behind when i was 19? am i left behind in the same way that i never wanted anything to do with them in the first place? what was i doing? what were they doing? was i just a bad dream to the one person who means everything to me? who would want to be bothered by somebody like me, anyway?

"you'll move on eventually", "you'll meet someone great", "you'll find a love much better than this"; of course you wouldn't understand what he means to me... of course you would think that this would go away after i caught my breath. if you didn't want me to love you, you should not have said the words to me, so flippantly, so easily, as if your whole life you'd waited to say it just to me. what do you know about love if all you can do is leave me behind with my tears and my broken heart?

i've been filling my time with things recently. as best that i can. i don't want to be forgotten but i always am. i know that i am the problem, because i finally figured out what is wrong with me. i finally understand why everyone leaves.

i'm not cut out for romantic love, or relationships, or any of the shit i've always wanted. i'm just not it. i will be alone because my heart belongs to someone who wants nothing to do with me. doesn't want me in his life. i wish i could forget him just like he has forgotten me, he makes it look so easy.

i don't know what else to write, because there's so much i don't want to share on my website. i wrote in my notebook but i couldn't get much out. i don't want to talk. i've already said everything that i could. this is my fate, silence and heartbreak. i don't want to talk on my website about how i've been. the person i wish gave a shit, simply doesn't. it's so easy for people to discard me, and i don't understand why. what about me is so easy to throw away and leave behind? what makes me so unlovable and fucked?

i still don't want to be here, but i have no choice. everyone wants me to be, even though i don't want to be.