do you remember when we went to the botanical garden? we weren't there for long and we bought too-hot, mediocre coffee when we left. the gift store was overpriced so we skipped buying anything there. i remember our time together vividly, and i think about you more often than i'm willing to admit.

i think if i were to admit just how much you're on my mind, you'd be disgusted, or something like that, so i keep it inside. i miss talking to you and listening to you read your books. i miss all the hours we spent sleeping on the phone together, laughing, and spending our time talking about everything.

i sometimes think maybe i made all of it up, how good it was. maybe that's why i haven't spoken about any of it with anybody, instead i've just spent all my time despairing and crying. i've gone without crying for a few days at a time and sometimes i think i'm on the mend, but then it hits me like a brick again, just like that sunday morning back in april when you ended things.

i never got a voice in things, and i wonder every day what things would have been like if you'd have just had a conversation with me. even when you called me in the middle of the night the day after, i still didn't feel heard. you were crying the entire time, and it broke my heart so much more. all i wanted was to comfort you when i heard your sobs. i've never heard a man cry like that before - to be so vulnerable in front of me - it reminded me of my deep love for you.

i guess i am the crazy ex-girlfriend now, right? now that i am writing letters to you that you'll never read. but i have so much i want to say to you and i miss you so much. i'm done being quiet, i've kept so much inside and i've been isolating for months, i have to let it out.

i won't go around boasting about how much i love you still... i don't want to draw attention. i just need to express my love for you, because i've held it close to my heart for so long, unexpressed.

i'm tired of letting the most piercing voices have dominium over my heart and my brain, dictating my pain and my mourning. nobody knew our relationship like we did. i cherished it, i held it cupped in my hands, like a flower, in order to support it but to let it bloom and shine on its own. a delicate but beautiful flower, and nothing else could compare.

they don't know what we had, and i don't owe them an explanation. i write this for myself and for you, and that's all i can do. you've pushed me so, so far away, but i'm never going to stop loving you. i'll keep it close to my heart and i'll be modest. you don't want my love anymore, and i can't make you come back. my heart belongs to you, achingly so, and i guess that's just my fate.