i know you're not reading this, and frankly i'm sure if you were reading this, you'd think i'm a creep. but regardless, i know you're not reading this, but i love you. and i guess i'll just have to keep repeating it to myself quietly rather than making it the business of people who don't want to hear it anymore.

i wonder all the time how you are and what you're doing, i wish that i could still listen to you tell me about your days. i say 'i wish', but i am fully accepting of the fact that you're gone and you'll never return. sometimes i'm fine and i can accept that you're gone, but other times it still makes me cry.

but the more days that go by that i still cry, i get this creeping feeling as though maybe i'm not supposed to be grieving so hard anymore. that how i feel is taboo, and how i feel isn't reasonable, and how i feel is something to be judged. i let the people whose voices don't fucking matter bounce around in my mind on a near constant loop and it is tiring. god, all i want is to accept that i did well, that how i felt, how i feel is real, that what we had was special, and i'm still human and capable of making mistakes and i'm allowed to make mistakes. like everybody else.

i can't be angry at you even though i should be. you handled this so poorly, things didn't have to be the way that they are, nor did any of it have to happen the way that it did, and has. i can't tell you how to live your life, and i won't. i have also made decisions similar to the ones you've made, sometimes you just have to live your life and figure shit out later. you'll realize one day what you've lost, maybe, hopefully, and ofc i don't expect you to return - even then. but i'll always love you all the same, it will be something i keep locked in my heart forever. i will die with my heart still belonging to you.

there's so much i wish i could share with you. so many moments that i wish i could share with you, so many things i wish i could do with you, places that we could go to, memories to be made. nothing but love between us, that's all it ever was, and i wish i could still show you how loved you are. no, i will respect the boundary that has been made. i will keep my thoughts to myself, and at most, on this blog. because this is the only place where i can shout into the void about my love for you. the only place it's appropriate anymore, and sooner or later, i'll run out of time with it.

i wish i could be by your side. i know it's just a wish. it will fade away just like everything does. it will always be there, but i know you're not here, and you never will be. i have to be okay with your absence. i can live without you, but i don't want to. i know how to be without you, but i really don't want to be. i suppose i'll keep writing to you.