I haven't been coding for a while, it's been a weird month for me. I've been eating a lot better, and eating doesn't feel as mechanical the way that it has during the majority of my recovery journey. I've been taking my dog Stella on walks regularly and keeping up with my self-care habits. Honestly doesn't sound like much of a win, but for me, it really is.

During the time that I wasn't updating my website, I was trying desperately to get inspired by browsing other people's websites. I've gotten a ton of inspiration, and I've learned a lot of new things, downloaded a bunch of new fonts. Toontown's servers went down earlier while I was playing with my friend so I decided to open VSCode for the first time in a while. I'm glad I did, I was wanting to refine some stuff on my website. :3

I've been vacillating between okay and not okay. I am stable, my identity is in tact, I feel strong, but then the symptoms of PTSD smack me across the face. It is tiring dealing with all of this. I think most recently my insomnia and nightmares are the worst.

I went with my mom to Festival of Nations over the weekend and it was incredibly crowded. It was also sweltering. I brought Stella with me. Stella was carrying a stick for most of the time that we were there, which attracted a lot of attention. I'm always baffled at the attention she gets, I guess everyone can see she's a sweet little bubby pup :-)

I got a large dream catcher and hung it up above my bed. I'm hopeful it can do something to keep me safe at night.

I can't sleep, I have been crying. I wanted to write something but I can't. I want to sleep now. I just want to sleep.

Last night, I was bringing my dog inside from the backyard, and I noticed there was a tiny little slug in her fur. I lost it laughing about it, could not hold it together the entire time I was trying to pick this bug out of her fur. The slug was able to survive as I put it outside somewhere.

I am not used to getting attention from men but that has been happening a lot recently. Sometime it's a bit offputting, but I think that's just because I never go outside or socialize anymore. I'm trying to get used to talking to and seeing people regularly. Typing that out feels weird. I guess I'm inside too often...

I have been starting to feel noticeably different recently. Like, I'm starting to feel... good? I don't know. Like I'm reaching this sort of balance in my life. I don't know what it is.

I've been eating well the past few days because I got groceries on Monday. I'm so happy about it. There is a difference between the version of myself who eats well and the other side that doesn't and can't eat well. I like the version of myself where I have energy most days and can get through a day fairly easily.

the Finch app has been a lot of fun to play with and I'm really enjoying the ways that I am benefiting from using it. It's just doing little things and progressing in the app that make it a little bit fun and enjoyable.

For some reason I have been stuck to coding like crazy the past few weeks. I went from having not touched code in years to making whatever the heck this website is. I'm having so much fun with it. Lately I've been having a lot of nightmares, and it's really, really difficult to keep going every day when it's like this.

Everybody I know is always telling me how resilient and strong I am. I don't feel like it when most of the time I'm hypervigilant, panicking, or having night terrors. I'm tired.

Today I did a ton of chores and I deep cleaned my bedroom and the living room. I opened all of the windows and let the whole apartment air out. The air is so fresh and it's pleasant outside. Listening to the cicadas is one of my favorite parts of summertime. I did my laundry, put all of my clothes away, and even made food for myself. I'd say I've accomplished a lot today!

My friend Emerson encouraged me to download an app called Finch. It is an app that encourages self care habits while taking care of a little bird in the process. You complete goals, and the bird grows! I named my bird Squiggles. She's pink, and hopefully we become amazing friendies. Anyway... I'm going to close this entry off here. Expect to hear more from me soon!

8/13/2024: I spoke to my therapist today. I also went to the doctor's office. Last time I came here, I didn't want to see my weight because I knew I had lost a lot as I hadn't been eating and had relapsed in my ED. Today, the nurse told me I made a substantial gain since last time, and I felt okay looking at my weight. I'm really glad that I've been able to pick myself back up and get into the routine of eating properly again. I'm still struggling, but not as much as before. I'm going to start writing poetry again as well.

8/12/2024: it was incredibly wet outside today.

8/11/2024: trying to stay tethered to reality. every day is different. I get so tired of feeling this way and feeling so stuck and broken.

8/8/2024: lion's gate. PTSD symptoms rearing their ugly head recently. Trying to keep my head above water. I feel imperfect and full of loath for myself.